I think I'm covered in fish vomit...

Wow.

That's pretty much all I can say. Wow. This is not how it's supposed to be.

I guess I pretty much figured that they'd give me an RA spot. Why wouldn't they? I'm a personable guy, I've proved myself responsible, I love God, I'm striving to be a servant, I'm trying to reflect Christ in every aspect of my life.

I guess I take comfort in that they think I'm qualified. If they had told me that I was rejected because I was unfit to be an RA, that would really bug me. If only I hadn't been so indecisive.

But this is what God wants. Maybe I am supposed to go to DC. I don't really want to, though. But God has asked people to do stuff that they didn't want to do, before.... I don't know.

So I'm left with total uncertainty regarding next year. I have an upcoming school year that is basically one giant question mark.

I can't dwell on the "what-ifs". There's a lot of "what-ifs" I could totally kick myself over... but that's not God-honoring. In Philippians 3:13-14, Paul writes "brothers, I do not consider that I have made it (Pauls' goal) my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize that of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

When I took him out to lunch, Rick Holland gave me this piece of advice: when you're dealing with a hard trial, step back and ask yourself these three questions: "What do I think? What do I feel? What do I know?" Here we go:

What do I think?
I think that I'm an idiot for not making up my mind sooner. I think that I'm pretty much wasting my time and not glorifying God when I dwell on what I could've done differently. I think that next year is going to be pretty hard.

What do I feel?
Embarassed. Sad. Discouraged. Confused. Worried. Restless. Drained. Humble. Empty. Hope. Love. Trust. Peace, to some extent.

What do I know?
My God is at the same time completely good and completely sovereign. I have no idea how He's going to use me or what I'm going to do next year, but He is in complete control over it. I know that in order for the iron to be tough, it needs to pass through the fire first. I know that Jonah didn't want to go to Ninevah, but it was God's will for Him. Moses didn't think he could do what God asked him to do, but it was God's will for him. I know that if God wants me to be an RA, then I will be one; but if He doesn't want me to be one (and it really looks like He doesn't), then I won't be one-- there's nothing I can do to change any of this. I know that God is not glorified by complaining or being discouraged, but He is glorified when we look at our present circumstances and do our best to pursue Him with what we have been given. I know that it is my desire to glorify God. Therefore, I know what I've got to do-- I need to be like Christ in Philippians 2 and totally empty myself and serve others, no matter if I've got a position I want or not.

So I'm guessing I pretty much feel like Jonah did once the fish spit him up. He sat there on the shore, covered in fish vomit, pretty much feeling like he had been through the mill, with only one course of action to follow: he had to go on. Sounds like what I've got to do-- I've got to press on. Makes no sense to just sit here and wish things were different-- they're not. I can't change them, either. I've just got to press on. I hope God will make it clear over the summer what I should do. Even if He doesn't, I will still serve Him. I love Him.